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The 12 days of Politic-mas

The 12 days of political Christmas. Yes, it sounds bizarre. But then, 2017 has been very, very weird. So, rather than bringing any sense to proceedings, let us instead add some winter fuel to that festive lunacy fire by recapping on some of the highlights of the past year, and celebrating all of the silliness that politics has given us. Rejoice!

“All blessed are Momentum, they shall have the UK for their possession”

 

On the first day of Christmas politics gave to me, Jezza meeting JME.

When Labour met Grime. From that first uncomfortable hug to the conclusion of the “BoyBetterKnow, CEO, BoyBetterKnow, CEO” meeting the Labour leader, this felt peculiar. Talk to your PR team Jezza, you 100% should’ve rebranded to J-re-ME off the back of this. As an aside, imagine how good JME would be at the despatch box – a safe London seat surely beckons before his inexorable rise to leader of the party…  

On the second day of Christmas politics gave to me, a swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

People say that the Tories are the nasty party. Thank goodness that James Heappey put paid to that notion by telling a schoolgirl to ‘F*ck off’ on a school visit.

Rage GIF by Cheezburger - Find & Share on GIPHY

On the third day of Christmas politics gave to me, an animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

As our favourite tangerine tyrant would say, this story was FAKE NEWS. The Independent ran a story claiming that the Tories had voted the animals don’t feel pain. This was picked up and retweeted all over the place despite being completely fabricated. Annoying, if you’re a Tory, but amusing for the ridiculousness of it all.

Stop Fuck Off GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

On the fourth day of Christmas politics gave to me, Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

Election campaigns always manage to bring out the best talent in the land…and sometimes outside of the land too. Take Lord Buckethead, intergalactic space lord and independent parliamentary candidate. If you’ve not read his manifesto, do, now. Honourable mention for Mr Fishfinger too, who stood against Tim Farron and plundered 309 votes.

On the fifth day of Christmas politics gave to me, FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

Believe me, nobody tweets better than me. I’m out of adjectives for the creature that occupies the White House. Years from now, future generations will remember him for the memes and the tweets. Especially below, which is surely his greatest ever. 

Understand Donald Trump GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

On the sixth day of Christmas politics gave to me, Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

There are rumours of leaked bath (heh) photos of full-time Sam the Eagle/Mr Burns impersonator and part-time politician Vince Cable from earlier this year. Hard to decide what would be more offensive to look at between said images, those dreadful EU berets from the Lib Dem Party Conference and the below GIF that was inexplicably created by the party.

On the seventh day of Christmas politics gave to me, Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

It’s not often that shapeshifting goblins taking on temporary human form become elected MPs, so good for Emma Dent Coad that she’s making a fist of it. So far she’s said Prince Harry’s military career is a lie, Theresa May is ugly and drew a suggested Tory logo where the Tory stickperson is hanging themselves. #Kindler #Gentler #KeepItUpEmma

Ah yes, good one Emma.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas politics gave to me, Fed up Bristol Brenda.

Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

“You’re joking. Not another one!” Brenda is the hero we deserve, and as JME still has plenty of cabinet positions to fill…  

On the ninth day of Christmas politics gave to me, One naughty PM.

Fed up Bristol Brenda.

Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

PM Adviser: “Theresa, the electorate are struggling to warm to you, we need a plan to make you relatable”

T-dog: “Hold my beer.” *chortle chortle*

On the tenth day of Christmas politics gave to me, ten North Korean missiles,

One naughty PM.

Fed up Bristol Brenda.

Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

Just your gentle annual reminder that Kim Jong-Un is moving closer to inflicting radioactive oblivion on all of us. Thanks, and season’s greetings.

Kim Jong Un GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

On the eleventh day of Christmas politics gave to me, a spaniel-smelling Lib Dem.

Ten North Korean missiles,

One naughty PM.

Fed up Bristol Brenda.

Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

Tim Farron is like an inverse King Midas: everything he touches turns to bad press. “Smell my Spaniel” was particularly enjoyable, just a shame he coined the euphemism too late for it to sneak into one of the ‘Fifty Shades’ books.  

On the twelfth day of Christmas politics gave to me, 10,000 policemen,

A spaniel-smelling Lib Dem,

Ten North Korean missiles,

One naughty PM.

Fed up Bristol Brenda.

Emma Dent Coad being nasty,

Vince Cable in a bathtub.

FIVE DONALD TRUMP TWEEEEEETS.

Lord Buckethead standing for a seat,

An animal sentience fake news story,

A swearing nasty party Tory,

And Jezza meeting JME.

 The savagery. The delicious, magnificent savagery. “They will cost…it will cost…they will cost…”

 

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